what to say?

It’s been a little over four weeks since I had my chemo infusion to slow down the recurrence of lymphoma.

During my recovery, I have thought about life and death. After five years of battling a virulent form of Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, my emotions range from fear, anxiety, exuberance, hope, and disappointment. The physical pain is frustrating: my brain overlfows with ideas, while my body is overcome by bone-weariness and is unable to move.

Although I don’t know exactly how much time I have left, I’ve planned my funeral and hope for a peaceful, painless transition. Reading obituaries is sometimes gratifying: how did he or she die? What was their life like before the accident or sickness took them away? Obituaries rarely write the truth about someone’s life, if they were insufferable, bitter and difficult people. Did they say something mysterious or funny before they took their last breath?

A few days ago, the comedian and actor Richard Belzer died at the age of 78. According to writer Bill Scheft, Belzer’s last words were: “Fxxk you, motherfxxxxx.” I laughed when I read that because I often invoke those same words en route to City of Hope for tests and treatments. It feels cathartic to curse and gives me strength to endure the dread of a blood draw and getting infused with more chemotherapy.

I’ve planned for a peaceful death, at home, with hospice, my immediate family surrounding me, and lots of drugs so I don’t suffer. However, Belzer’s f bombs from his deathbed leave me conflicted: if I’m in a morphine haze will I be unable to say something profound or even profane? Should I sacrifice some morphine so I’m aware of transitioning and more in control of my words?

Do I recite a Psalm, hold hands, tell everyone I love them and be good to one another or belt out a Belzer fxxk you, motherfxxxxx? It wouldn’t be directed to anyone in particular; it would just express frustration that I was pulled away too soon.

What would you say if you could control your last words?

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