How Not to be a Dying Person?

I’ve neglected this poor little blog and made lots of time to do other things, but now I must wipe off the virtual cobwebs and bring this little story platform back to life.

What have I been doing these past few months?  Well, a bit of traveling, working on finishing my Certificate in Journalism while starting another Certificate in Creative Non-Fiction.  The cancer came back and I told just about everyone I’ve ever been close to that I was terminal.

I did some infusions just to see if I could slow it down, and miraculously the treatments put me in remission.  Initially I was thrilled, but then reality set in. Besides getting the flu and landing in the hospital as my doctors wanted to make sure I didn’t get a bacterial infection, I still must deal with a compromised immune system due to the infusions and Graft vs Host Disease, causing other problems and making recovery from the flu a little more difficult.

Did I make the mistake of telling people I was terminal and that the infusions might slow the cancer down only to have it disappear in my latest scan?  Because now I have to go back and make the same calls and tell people I’m in remission.  And I’ve done that-with almost everyone.  But now I am exhausted because the tremendous outpouring of joy and relief from friends and family is overwhelming me. My intuition tells me it’s unfair to make people ride on this roller coaster of emotions and false hope.  I know the cancer will come back, eventually.  The infusions have given me unbelievable results and no doubt has extended my life. Though I feel like an imposter, falsely giving inspiration and looking like I’m a fighter when all I want to do is give up and go away quietly without pain.

But… there are times when I want to rise up and give it my best with new found energy that might work its way back into my body.

I’m pledging to keep up this blog on a weekly basis-whether it’s a few sentences or 4 paragraphs, so stay with me as I navigate a difficult path and walk until I find ways to stay happy and productive.

I promise to include more florals and a work-in-progress for a new stationery line with the intention that if I have intention I’ll stay motivated!

In the meantime, here’s a link to one of my favorite songs by Agnes Obel, “Aventine”.

Agnes is a Danish born pianist, singer, and composer who creates haunting sounds and word images.  Depending on your mood, her music is beautiful and inspiring or dark and gloomy. Listen closely to her lyrics or search for the lyrics to the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBLCqJNPoBw

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The above image was captured at Descanso Gardens after a rain—so yes, the water drops are real!